I have only ever named two of my four cars.

Although, that is not entirely true because I believe my first car was named by its previous owner. So, my ‘99 silver Saturn 3-door coupe maintained the name, the Silver Fox.

I loved that car.

And, it is not just because it was the first car I ever made out in, although that definitely doesn’t hurt. And, contrary to the belief of one, I also paid for a third of it when I turned 16, which equated to a lot of lawn mowing and stacks and stacks of dishes washed at my grandparents’ diner.

So, there was a bit of blood, sweat, and tears with that car. Although those three attributes could all be applied to lawn mowing or waiting tables, alas, they do not.

It was fun to drive.

It was a stick shift, low to the ground, with a CD player to blare all the cool hits from bands like Blue October, Green Day, and, of course, The Barenaked Ladies. Emphasis on the cool hipness of The Barenaked Ladies, those Canadians really know how to jam.

Aside from my current vehicle, my previous vehicles consisted of a ‘05 silver Ford Escape, another family legacy vehicle, and a ‘15 slate gray Honda CR-V, which I have written about its ghosts before. Yet, neither these cars earned a name, for various reasons. Still, it wasn’t until I stuck my ichthys/rocket decal onto the back on my Honda Fit that she became known as the Vagina Rocket.

Now, unlike the nomenclature, the Silver Fox, who I assumed earned her name because she was low to the ground and sleek, like a fox. Also, silver. But, hey, I cannot say for sure of the why behind the nickname, because I am 99.9, er, at least 77.7% sure my stepmom dubbed the sportscar the Silver Fox.

Yet, with a name like the Vagina Rocket, I feel that some explanation is required.

Ever since I first saw a chrome-looking ichthys on the back of someone’s car sprouting two legs with the name “Darwin” in the center, I knew I had to have one. Yet, before I ordered my own, I felt the need to do a bit of research. I wanted my decal to truly be a parody of the so-called Jesus fish. I wanted to make sure that the symbol had no other hidden or obscure meaning. Also, I had to make sure the “Darwin” look was right for me. There were all kinds of various parodies on Amazon, from a rocket to a Flying Spaghetti Monster to Lovecraftian inspirations.

In various Christian publications, there were vague hints to an ungodly pagan origin to the ichthys, but if you will pardon the pun, these publications always seemed to beat around the bush. Yet with further browsing into articles, I was happy to discover that the symbol has ties to a sea goddess, Aphrodite, and Egyptian mythology.

As far back as 6000 BCE, the symbol is found, and it has specific links to fertility, female sexuality, and the natural force of women. Learning this, there was only one decal option and one name option for me. Hence, the Vagina Rocket, because, duh. A name like that uses its tiny hands to trump all other names.

One last, quick, tangent before we get to the mountain summiting.

A person can only learn so much history before realizing that Christian mythology plagiarizes worse than one of my former 8th grade students who turned in his essay that began with “As a young mother of two . . .” The ichthys is only a small blip in the plagiarism allegations.

Don’t get me started me on Jesus or Noah’s ark or Christmas or Easter . . . Let’s just say if Christian Mythology had been one of my students, there would have been many a phone call home to discuss blatant plagiarism, not to mention bullying, sexual assault, misogyny, and that is just the icing on the plagiarism cake . . . yikes, there is some dark and depraved shenanigans in the so called, “good book”.

So, alas, we arrive at the Vagina Rocket’s first attempt to summit Pike’s Peak.

Spoilers: it wasn’t a success.

Not a disaster by any means, just not a success.

 

P.S. – It brings me a small nugget of joy, when I do go back to Oklahoma, to see so many drivers unknowingly showing their support for “the natural force of women”, especially considering this state tried to legislate the dehumanization of women by legally recognizing them as “host” for the unborn.

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