I knew since middle school

that something was off,

but I didn’t have the words to understand it

until college.

But,

I didn’t think that it could be me,

and

I knew that I could never come out.

 

No,

I knew there was no way that I would ever say a word about it,

question it.

 

Not even a hint.

 

I just knew that I would lose my family and

everything

if I ever said anything about it.

And,

I never thought I could live through that.

 

I had just moved with my fiancée,

and

I was suicidal from the guilt of who I was.

 

I had forced myself to believe I wasn’t trans,

a freak.

 

It was why I was suicidal.

 

But, I fell in love with my work,

and

it saved my life.

 

I felt like I was finally at a place

that was making

a real difference

in the world.

And, it gave me a reason

to live.

 

And,

that reason

began to save

my

life.

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