Disappointment

Look, I need a break.

And, I could go with the whole,

“It’s not me. It’s you” routine, but

I won’t.

Really.

Because, well, the truth is,

It is you.

 

It is you because I am tired of pretending that everything is okay,

Like everything is normal.

It’s not normal, and

Things aren’t okay.

 

I am okay,

No, really.

I am.

 

But, what I mean is,

I am not okay with

Us,

Specifically, you.

 

I am tired of being disappointed in you,

In you as a person.

And, I am continually reminded of this disappointment

Every time we talk,

Every time we see each other,

Without fail.

 

It is exhausting.

 

And just for clarification,

In case you are a bit lost,

I am disappointed because of this,

You and your actions have shown

That you are not with me, and

You don’t really have my back.

And, of all people, you were supposed to be there,

To catch me if I fall.

But, you aren’t there,

And now,

 

See,

Now,

I am beginning to wonder,

If you were ever really there at all.

 

Hence, the disappointment.

Every

Every phone call becomes more difficult.

Every missed holiday becomes easier.

 

It didn’t have to be this way,

The grand divide separating us.

 

But, an impasse still holds firm.

A deadlock revealing the core of who we are.

Applicable Term

I sometimes try to convince

myself that I am not (applicable term)

That I am not a devil.

That I am not a freak.

That I am not a lost soul.

 

But, I try.

I try often.

I mull through all the things that make me, me.

And, I always come back to the same conclusion.

 

This is me.

This is who I am.

I cannot reason my way out of this.

 

And, I won’t apologize for who I am.

I may apologize for some things I have done,

some paths I took to get here and

some paths I have yet to take,

But, I promise.

I won’t apologize for who I am.

Unending

May your choices be etched into the rocks

The salty waters of Earth awash with the decisions

 

As the gathering darkness consumes and crushes

This day matters above all others

(yet just as much as the previous and the next)

 

For eventually your life will be forgotten

No one will remember you,

    the things you did, the things you said

You will be forgotten in the immensity of time.

 

Yet, somehow, your decisions will reverberate

Time unending will know,

    

As existence fails

         Time will know.

Something I Could Say

I wish there was something I could say

Something I could say to make things easier

To make things better

But I can’t

It is what it is

 

The chips have fallen

Here is how they lie

Strewn across the floor

 

So what do we do now

Where do we go from here

What path do we take

What choices will we make

How will those choices reverberate through

    the hallowed halls

         of time unending

The beginning

This is the beginning

The shape of all things

The sadness

The pressure

The weight

The fourth-wall break of sanity, bone-annihilating sadness

The beginning

Sadness for me, for you, for others

Sadness for our loss, our heartbreak

Sadness long-lasting.

Deep veins of sadness

 

Hold fast to hope before it slips away

Hold fast

Okay

I am never going to be okay

and

I am okay with that

 

Because

when identity clicked

I hurt

I damaged

I grieved

I survived

 

Things said will never be forgotten

they haunt

they rage

they linger

To Forgive

To forgive someone,

    do actions need to change?

Does someone have to regret

their words or actions to be forgiven?

If nothing changes,

    what is there to forgive?

If things remain the same,

    is forgiveness necessary

         or even possible?

 

At what point,

    do we accept the things we cannot change.

At what point,

    do we move on.

True

The mind moves

         shifts

              breaks.

Folding and unfolding into rapid succession.

Meaning blunders.

Thoughts flutter and fly.

 

Those around revel in their fears and paths.

Yet, you are you.

A beacon of identity.

An abrupt blip on the world.

A hefty responsibility.

 

Yet, rise.

Be true.

Be the truest of true.

No one can ask for more.