Eyes, Whispers

I feel your eyes on me

glancing at my top

inspecting my flats


I hear your whispers as

I walk down the street

I climb into my car


I hold my head high

to face another day

to stand strong

again and again


One Week

So, you are through week one

Week one as yourself


How did it go


It went Are you gay

It went strutting

It went Why are you wearing girl shoes

It went smiling

It went Mr wants him to call him Ms now and I respect that

It went excitement

And heartache and frustration and bliss


It went I heard a rumor that you want to be called Ms now

And I said Yes


It went glimmers of me

A Request

A step forward in being true to myself, I finally came out to the rest of my coworkers and have now asked to go by my prefered name and pronouns. The email below is the first step.


Recently, the coaches were provided with a new book to read, which I had put off reading, but last week, the coaches met for the first round of the book study, which meant I could no longer put it off.

So, I read it.

I reflected on it and knew that I needed to make changes, both personally and professionally.

As the English Language Arts team can tell you, one of the activities from book that stuck with me the most was over identifying and reflecting on your Core Values (I highly recommend this activity to everyone and can provide the resource for those interested). I identified and reflected on mine.

Immediately, I noticed a gap . . . I noticed several gaps, honestly.

But for the purpose of this email to you all, the gap was with the Core Value of Authenticity.

The gap closes here.

This year and last year I kept telling myself that I needed to stay under the radar because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone or challenge ideas, and if I faced rejection and mockery, I was not sure if I was prepared for that again. Yet, I am at the point in my life where I need to be truly authentic: for myself, for our students, and beyond.

I am transgender and have been in the process of living authentically for the past two years, and at this time, I request to be referred to as Bailey and with feminine pronouns.

I ask of you your respect and continued professionalism, and I thank you in advance for it.

I promised myself that I would keep this message brief, but if anyone has any questions, I am happy to answer them.

Thank you for all that you do.



  1. Bailey

Flashbacks from the Wild, Part 1: Fuel and Fury

As the narrator reads through the president’s decision to ban transgender people from the military, an almost inhuman rage fills me as I scream, “Fuck you,” in an empty car.

Tears well in my eyes, as I continue to mumble, “fuck, fuck, fuck” over and over again.

The glass is beginning to fog and ice over from the clouds hovering on the ground. It is much colder driving back home than it was driving to Carlsbad.


I was looking forward to the drive and to a weekend getaway, even though winter break had been filled with one getaway after the other.

But, I was particularly looking forward to this drive because I would be able to listen to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury. On recent road trips, I’d listened to Devil’s Bargain by Joshua Green and Unbelievable by Katy Tur, which were informative, fascinating, and only fueled my revulsion for this racist and paying-hush-money-to-pornstars Dear Leader.

Nothing in the book was surprising.

It only furthered my resolve to resist, to stand up for what’s right.

But, as the words were read as I made my way down to Carlsbad, I couldn’t help but think about recent news revelations, i.e. Shithole-gate.

Once again, the president was caught in another moment of racism and Republicans were bending over backwards to find a loophole out of his racism, or simply to excuse it. Meanwhile, neo-Nazis were praising their elected troll from all corners of the internet.

I’d always thought I’d been taught that racism was wrong, evil.

How’s is it a topic for debate now?

Then, as my car rumbled down the highway, I remembered a conversation.

Prior to moving to New Mexico, I went up to Tulsa, on this particular trip for three reasons. One, to search for engagement diamond options. Two, to close out my original savings account in favor of an account I could access across state lines. And, three, to have lunch with my grandparents.

After I accomplished my first two tasks, I met my grandparents at my, then, favorite spot, Siegi’s Sausage Factory.

It’s funny because there are a few meals there that come to mind. My mother ordering salmon (it’s a German restaurant) off the dinner menu at my birthday lunch. A meal with my ex after the trans-intervention with my family. And, actually, quite a few others.  

Yet, this one’s stands out in a more profound way.

It was the first time I remember having fundamental disagreement with my grandparents.

One where I could not see or understand their point of view, and I could tell that they were disappointed in mine.

As we ate, and I have no recollection of how it was brought up, my grandparents expressed their dismay at the University of Tulsa changing the name of its law school after it was revealed that the founder of the law school had been affiliated with the KKK.

From my point of view, of course the university would want to distance itself from the racism and bigotry and of any association with that hate group, and I expressed as much.

After much back and forth, the conversation went nowhere.

They had their opinion.

I had mine.

And as the words of Michael Wolff filled my car as I rumbled down to Carlsbad, flashes of that meal and conversation swirled through my mind.


Trump Attacks Senator Who Confirmed ‘Shithole Countries’ Comments


University of Tulsa law school to remove founder’s name after discovering his affiliation with the Ku Klux Klan


Trans Version of Tony Robins, Delivered

When I saw the Reddit post, I first thought, “Yes! I hope someone has done this. Something uplifting in the vain of some kind of uplifting YouTube imagery. Something inspiring.

Then, I read the post.

It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

This is what it was asking for: “Would someone please share a happy experience from their transition journey to help us remember that there can be light at the end of this fucked up tunnel?”

I wanted a something, something else, something uplifting for me, to give me hope. But, it gave me an idea. An idea I bring to fruition here:


Be Yourself.

For whatever reason, you are here.

You have reached to this point in your journey.

And, you have a decision to make.  

Do you continue on the same path? The same path that has brought you to this moment. The same path that you have always known. The same path that could lead to your future.

Or, do you do something different?

Do you finally start living?

Do you want to?

Do you have the courage? The strength? The fortitude?

Commitment? Hope? Fear?

How do you know?

Have you reached inside yourself to see what you truly want?

Likely, because you are now here.

At this moment.

And, honestly, if I know you, like I think I know you,

You have been here.

You have looked down the path in front of you, and it scared you, filled you with dread, and hopelessness.

You started to see your dreams swirling around you.

You realized that if you stayed where you were you would lose, never to see again, your dreams.

So, you spoke a truth.

Maybe, finally to yourself, aloud, to others, to a friend, a lover.

To someone.

Maybe, you took that first step to rightness, breaking free.

The cloak of wrongness clinging a little less tightly.

And, now, you decide again or maybe for the first time.

You decide.


You decide if you will be yourself.

Your true self.

The self you really are, the self you either hid from or embraced.

The self that you were afraid would cause you to lose everything.

To lose loved ones.

To lose relationships.


But, regardless of if you have realized it or not, you won’t lose everything. You may not even lose anything, but you certainly won’t lose everything.

And, you can do this.

You know who you are.

No one can take that away from you.

You are you.

Be You.

Be Yourself.


Asktransgender Subreddit Post: Wanted, trans version of Tony Robins to blow sunshine up my ass.


What Kind of Year Has It Been? (2017 Edition)

While contrite and perhaps a bit predictable, let’s review the year of 2017.

2017, a year of devastating consequences and hope.

From every single time the 45th president opened his mouth to every time that the Republican party caved to his immortality for the sake of power to every vile policy enacted (Muslim Ban, Trans Military Ban, CDC Word Ban, Tax Scam, Ending DACA, and every other dismantling of U.S. democratic institutions) to the cowardice and the traitorous failing to hold the 45 president’s administration accountable for their election collusion and corruption to the rise of open white supremacy in the name of the Alt-Right and #MakeAmericaGreatAgain, 2017 has taken its toll.

It has taken its toll on me and on others.

It has taken its toll on the relationships with others.

It has led to “To Whom It May Concern,” to “Disappointment,” and to “Where Things Stand”.

It has led to “Child of Trump Nominee Speaks Out.”

It has led to the Women’s March and the March for Science and the Tax March.

It has led to ACLU and Human Rights Campaign donations.

It has led to action and voting and calling my member of Congress.

It has led to being called mean and cruel for speaking up and out.

It has led to near-breaking, near-shattering.

Yet, as the shadow falls across a once proud and hopeful nation, it is not the end.

Though, it is an ending.

And, with that ending, hope still remains because even in 2017’s darkest moments, there was joy.

There was camping and board games and paintings and new friendships and city exploring and a Drag Queen Christmas and skiing and resolve.

Resolve to get through this.

Resolve to move forward.


Because as 2018 promises more darkness and devastation, for not just those who are marginalized but for all of American democracy, there is still hope.

There will always be hope in the darkest of places.

And in the words of a Jedi Master, “This is not going to go the way you think.”

Aware. Never Forgetting. Now, Always Forward.  

To Whom It May Concern




Where Things Stand


Child of Trump Nominee Speaks Out


Snow Trek to Star Wars


As a friend and I begin our mile long trek through falling snow and slush-filled sidewalks to see the eighth installment of the Star Wars Skywalker saga and the ninth installment of the Star Wars franchise, The Last Jedi, I calm his near conniption and re-come out as flakes of white blanket my black framed glasses and my warm breath seems to fog up any non-flake filled part of the lens, which leaves me slightly impaired on the slippery path before us.

I had forgotten that I’d come out to him already, and I find myself at a loss for who I am and who I am not out to at work.

It is not something I hide, as I wear my transgender necklace everyday and led the understanding New Mexico LGBTQ+ youth training at the school, but still, I don’t begin every conversation with, “Hi, I’m transgender, which probably means you a) think I am the devil b) are confused or c) could give no fucks. Or, in all likelihood something else entirely.” Perhaps, I should begin every conversation in this manner.

As our walk continues, with brief pauses for snow-filled photo opportunities, I begin to lose feeling in my toes. My blue canvas boat-esque shoes are not made for snow, but I did not want to get Philadelphia street grit on my beloved black and white plaid Converse. The blue canvas shoes should be on their last leg, since they are slightly stained by ketchup, ranch, and green chile stew spills of elementary lunch duty. Yet, knowing myself and my inability to purchase new articles of clothing and throw out old articles of clothing, some (at this point very few) still hanging around from the days of high school, I know I will likely continue to slog through streets, sidewalks, and hallways in them until the soles completely wear through.

Arriving at the theater, which possibly due to the snow, is fairly empty for a Friday night, I ask one of the theater employees if theater 17 is in the middle of the movie. It is a dumb question I know because it is 5:36, and our movie begins at 7:30.

Out of sheer dumb luck, the employee laughs at the idea of waiting for two hours to see a film that is about to start in the theater behind him, theater 3. He says we are free to wait, but if we want, we can go right on in.

We do.

The movie plays.

It . . . I won’t provide any thoughts or opinions or spoilers about it here.


But, after Episode VIII ends, and we begin to walk back to the hotel, I am struck by a thought.

This will likely be the first Star Wars film I won’t see with my family, let alone in the theater with them.

I am filled with almost a melancholic sadness as I remember.

I remember watching the original films re-released in the late 90s in a theater, which would later become a comedy club, where the comedian would tease my stepfather for his . . . lack of hair.

I remember watching The Phantom Menace in a nearly empty theater in Sand Springs, wondering how it could be possible that the theater wasn’t packed.

I remember watching Attack of the Clones, arriving late, missing the crawler, and being so frustrated until I was so entranced by the movie, that the tardiness no longer seemed to matter.

I remember watching . . . well, I don’t actually have a clear memory of watching Revenge of the Sith, but I do remember watching The Incredibles for my birthday, hearing the voice of the soon-to-be Emperor in a trailer, and being unable to contain my nerd excitement for the sixth film and third episode.

I remember watching The Force Awakens, knowing that in days everything about my place in my family would soon change.

I remember watching Rogue One, my brother opting not to attend the showing to read in the Barnes and Noble near the theater.

And, as I am flooded by memories of Star Wars and action figures and my mom shouting upstairs that Attack of the Clones might be too scary for my youngest sister and Lego battles, I hear my brother’s words from a few nights before when I was in a NyQuil addled state as he said, “I am mad at you,” and I said nothing in response.

I can’t shake the words from me.

Do I address it?

Do I let it go?

I know, or at least I have a very strong idea of why . . . the article.

“Child of Trump Nominee Speaks Out”

On a loop, “I am mad at you” plays on my mind as I pull up Twitter while waiting in the hotel restaurant for my avocado bruschetta and goat cheese fritters.

And, then, I see it.

CDC is banned by the Trump administration from using the word “transgender,” and the reality of what that means shakes me to my core.

I remain fairly silently and withdrawn throughout dinner.

I feel hopeless.

Via text, I vent to a friend and apologize for venting.

I feel hopeless still.

After dinner, as I close my eyes and try to fall asleep, I scroll through a text exchange with that same friend to find what I am looking for and need to see.

It reads, “Don’t let them get you. You are stronger than that. I know you are.”

I read the text again and again.

I close my eyes.

The loop drowns out.

My core shakes less.

And, I fall asleep.


Child of Trump Nominee Speaks Out


Report: Trump Bans ‘Transgender,’ ‘Fetus,’ ‘Science-Based’ From CDC Documents


Consequences, An Exchange

I am really disappointed that u would intentionally try and destroy your dad’s career..


I am really disappointed that he would accept a job offer from a racist, bigot, serial sexual assaulter.


So u want to try and destroy his career.. no one is trying to destroy u.. only wanting your happiness.


You really think this will destroy his career? Every anti-LGBTQ Nominee has been confirmed. But, if he is going to represent Oklahoma, all Oklahomans deserve to know how he views LGBTQ people.


Why are u not embracing your life and being happy .. why try your hardest to hurt your dad (Redacted) (redacted) (redacted) and (redacted)..


You think this is about me trying to hurt people? You think that is who I am. I am standing up for who I am. And, I am standing up for every queer person in Oklahoma.


It is so unfair repeating things your dad said when he first found out.. very mean and cruel.. I am shocked u would do this..


Really? He has not bothered to try acceptance. Besides, if he really believes those things, why is afraid of someone finding out?


U don’t have to stand up to your dad. He loves u.. yes I think this is about u intentionally trying to hurt him.. you can say u are trying to let people know but u are just spreading hate and anger.. u are suppose to be happy and having love for your life.. love for friends and  love for your family.


Wow, I am not shocked that this is the side you have chosen. Just disappointed. I work on the Reducing LGBTQ Adolescent Suicide team, which stands up for students. That is what this is about. This is not about hurting my father or my family, but it is about protecting people who cannot protect themselves and to protect him.


He dosent think those things u said. He was just reacting in the heat of the moment. This isn’t easy. He is accepting.. u will never know how this feel. I can not believe u could try and hurt him and (redacted) and (Redacted)..


Months after I came out, you told me that he said if I had come out when I was a child you both would have taken me to conversion therapy. Also, if he doesn’t believe I am possessed by demons and the devil. Great, he is not an idiot. Doesn’t make him not an asshole.


No one needs to be protected from your dad. This isn’t about taking sides. This is about me telling MY child that it is terribly wrong and mean and cruel to try to intentionally hurt your dad.. I didn’t even talk to your dad. He just told me to read the article.


In another place and time, maybe, it would not be about taking sides, but unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. So, yeah, I am going to speak out against a nominee who mocked queer people my entire childhood and is taking a job offer from a man who jokes about hanging the gays.


He never said that I told u that was one scenario that could have happened if u came out as a child. He never said that. U and I were talking.. u are right to help kids get through this. You are wrong trying to divide and talk about sides.. this is wrong to try and hurt ur dad.


That is not how I remember the conversation.


Well that is how I remembered the conversation.. your dad never even thought it possible u doing this as a child. U and I talked about that.. this is wrong.


A division occurred the night after I came out. It has been widening since. Sometimes, it is the big things like this. Sometimes, it is smaller things, things that stay with me.


U want a division..


If that is what you think, you are as lost as he is.


All I feel is u want us not to accept u.. but Nicholas Bailey (Redacted) I accept u and love u! I want u to have an extraordinary life!! I want u to find love and happiness.. I don’t want u hurt but I don’t want u 2 hurt anyone either.. this life is the only one u will have.. live your life with peace love and happiness.. people don’t have to agree.. that’s impossible..

No, people don’t have to agree. But, I will never agree with what you have said today. I will be fine. But, I will always continue to fight for people who don’t have peace, love, and happiness simply for being who they are.

Another thing, by accepting this job, he is either a white supremacist, or he is okay with accepting a job from a white supremacist. Either way, whatever moral compass he had is broken.